Back.

When I get into a reminiscing mood, I tend to look for everything. From old yearbooks that are gathering dust on the shelf in my room, to past embarrassing statuses from Facebook of me venting...I go ALL the way back. During one of my reminiscing adventures, I ran across this here blog. I couldn't believe the amount of substance that was on this blog. Every post made me go back to that time in my life and reflect on what God was teaching me then, and how it pertains to me now. So much substance. So many lessons learned. I missed it. So, I guess I'm back for now. 

Update, shall we?

God has done incredible things since some of these posts. I am currently in my last semester of college, which means that I am completing my last round of student teaching. Hallelujah! Graduation is right around the corner and I am ready. These past four and a half years have been enjoyable, but Lord, have they been long. 

I'm still working at the daycare and it's crazy to think that I am going on my second year there. It feels like I've been there forever and a day. I am currently planning field trips and activities for this year's summer camp, and I am thrilled, yet terrified. I am basically the lead teacher in school age this year, which brings on a great amount of challenges and responsibilities. I take that back...terrified is an understatement. Everything is up to me. I plan the field trips, special guests, and daily activities. I am in charge of writing the weekly blog. It's no longer Ms. Carmen. It's all me. I have been working so hard to get up to this point, and now it's finally here. I know that I am capable, because I'm called, but a calling still doesn't stop it from being nerve-wrecking. We'll see how it goes. *fingers crossed and prayers up*

Well...that's pretty much all the eventful stuff that's going on in my life at the moment. I'm sure it will get even more eventful as this year carries out. I'm believing for great things this year. There's something about this year that's different than the others. I feel it. 

- Joya

Counting

Every tear, every stain, every scream, and every dirty diaper keeps me going. It's funny how He can make something beautiful out of things that are...ugly. I look at each child and smile. If only they knew how much of a blessing they are. If they only knew that they were an answer to many prayers.

He starts to speak. "Count every tear, every stain, every scream, and every dirty diaper. Every single one. Every single blessing."

It's all worth it.

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Do you remember a gift that you received for Christmas or a birthday that you were not expecting? Have you ever been rewarded with a title or reward at a school banquet that you did not expect to receive? The spark in your heart that bursts and the feeling of fulfillment builds up inside of your soul that you did not know you had, could have...or wanted. It's amazing. That feeling itself is a gift. An unexpected gift.

I want children. Lots of them. Five or six to be exact. It has always been a dream of mine. A dream placed in my heart by the Father himself ever since I could breathe. I was meant to be a mother. I know it, I feel it. And by the grace of God, in His timing, I will one day hold my own seed from my own womb, in my arms...and love. 

My heart burst. I have been fulfilled.

Who would have thought that I would have that chance to love today? Right now, everyday of my life. To love without the pain of childbirth. To love someone that does not have my own blood flowing through their veins or my DNA linking every part of their physical and emotional attributes together. I love them. My children. My precious angels. They are mine. To teach, to form into intelligent and godly individuals so they can bless this crazy unbalanced world. I have been rewarded, gifted with such an amazing heritage from the Lord that I was not expecting. 

Continue to have your way, Lord. I accept every unexpected gift.

Rightful plans.

You know how I said in my last post that God opens up doors in His timing? Well, He also chooses to open doors that goes according to His plans. Not yours, but His. Trust in His magnificent promises and all things will work out for those that truly love Him. 

Things are slowly falling into place for me and the doors that are meant to be unlocked have not been disappointing.

praise his name.

locked doors can be unlocked.

There's a door that's locked in my life. I sometimes knock, look in the peephole, peek under the crack of the door just to get a glimpse of what's going on underneath. I can hear commotion behind that door, good commotion. Beautiful chaos. I yearn to open that door. I want what's behind that door. My heart burns with a passion that can only come from God for what's behind that door. Yet, it remains closed and locked. For reasons that I'm learning everyday, that door will remain locked until God sees fit to unlock it. To be honest, I'm not ready to endure everything that comes out of it. Even those knocks, small looks, and occasional peeps turn into a complete mess.

 In God's timing, locked doors can be unlocked.

Meaningless

"Without God, everything is meaningless. There's no hope, broken things cannot be fixed, and wrongs cannot be made right. We're just fallen people living in a fallen world with nothing. Meaning nothing. Having all the wisdom and knowledge in the world results in nothing but sorrow when you don't have the one who can help you understand all of it. It's meaningless. Everything is meaningless."

*excerpt from journal on Ecclesiastes 1. 

Identity.

I always forget. I promise I know who I am when you ask me, but behind closed doors, when I'm in my room alone, do I really know. Do my actions show who I think I am? Who I was made to be? Does my faith show who I belong to? It's more than just attending Sunday services, singing the songs, leading and attending small groups. The rituals are not who I am. Do I really see myself the way Christ sees me? Do I believe that I'm truly loved by God? Do I believe that I'm beautiful because He made me? So many questions that's already been answered.

I always forget.

Don't forget.

Galatians 4:6-7 

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

1 Peter 2:9 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light

Psalm 139:13-16 
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.