Counting

Every tear, every stain, every scream, and every dirty diaper keeps me going. It's funny how He can make something beautiful out of things that are...ugly. I look at each child and smile. If only they knew how much of a blessing they are. If they only knew that they were an answer to many prayers.

He starts to speak. "Count every tear, every stain, every scream, and every dirty diaper. Every single one. Every single blessing."

It's all worth it.

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Do you remember a gift that you received for Christmas or a birthday that you were not expecting? Have you ever been rewarded with a title or reward at a school banquet that you did not expect to receive? The spark in your heart that bursts and the feeling of fulfillment builds up inside of your soul that you did not know you had, could have...or wanted. It's amazing. That feeling itself is a gift. An unexpected gift.

I want children. Lots of them. Five or six to be exact. It has always been a dream of mine. A dream placed in my heart by the Father himself ever since I could breathe. I was meant to be a mother. I know it, I feel it. And by the grace of God, in His timing, I will one day hold my own seed from my own womb, in my arms...and love. 

My heart burst. I have been fulfilled.

Who would have thought that I would have that chance to love today? Right now, everyday of my life. To love without the pain of childbirth. To love someone that does not have my own blood flowing through their veins or my DNA linking every part of their physical and emotional attributes together. I love them. My children. My precious angels. They are mine. To teach, to form into intelligent and godly individuals so they can bless this crazy unbalanced world. I have been rewarded, gifted with such an amazing heritage from the Lord that I was not expecting. 

Continue to have your way, Lord. I accept every unexpected gift.

Rightful plans.

You know how I said in my last post that God opens up doors in His timing? Well, He also chooses to open doors that goes according to His plans. Not yours, but His. Trust in His magnificent promises and all things will work out for those that truly love Him. 

Things are slowly falling into place for me and the doors that are meant to be unlocked have not been disappointing.

praise his name.

locked doors can be unlocked.

There's a door that's locked in my life. I sometimes knock, look in the peephole, peek under the crack of the door just to get a glimpse of what's going on underneath. I can hear commotion behind that door, good commotion. Beautiful chaos. I yearn to open that door. I want what's behind that door. My heart burns with a passion that can only come from God for what's behind that door. Yet, it remains closed and locked. For reasons that I'm learning everyday, that door will remain locked until God sees fit to unlock it. To be honest, I'm not ready to endure everything that comes out of it. Even those knocks, small looks, and occasional peeps turn into a complete mess.

 In God's timing, locked doors can be unlocked.

Meaningless

"Without God, everything is meaningless. There's no hope, broken things cannot be fixed, and wrongs cannot be made right. We're just fallen people living in a fallen world with nothing. Meaning nothing. Having all the wisdom and knowledge in the world results in nothing but sorrow when you don't have the one who can help you understand all of it. It's meaningless. Everything is meaningless."

*excerpt from journal on Ecclesiastes 1. 

Identity.

I always forget. I promise I know who I am when you ask me, but behind closed doors, when I'm in my room alone, do I really know. Do my actions show who I think I am? Who I was made to be? Does my faith show who I belong to? It's more than just attending Sunday services, singing the songs, leading and attending small groups. The rituals are not who I am. Do I really see myself the way Christ sees me? Do I believe that I'm truly loved by God? Do I believe that I'm beautiful because He made me? So many questions that's already been answered.

I always forget.

Don't forget.

Galatians 4:6-7 

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

1 Peter 2:9 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light

Psalm 139:13-16 
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Romans 8:30

"And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified"

You know that moment when you read something that you needed, but you didn't know you needed? Yeah, God knows. Praise the Lord.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

"There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heaven"

This is extremely new for me considering that my thoughts, desires, and dreams have been placed in one specific area for the majority of my walk with Christ, but I'm praying for a busy season. A season full of opportunities to add to God's kingdom. A season where I'm growing and excelling in my future career. I'm ready to see what God has for me. I'm tired of looking forward to one dream and limiting myself. I'm capable of so much more. He's capable to do so much more. God places me in and out of seasons frequently and I'm praying that I embark in one where my purpose is brought to the surface. I'm ready to work.

Psalm 51:16-17

"You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God"

Last summer, You told me I was going to travel through a storm and that I was supposed to trust in Your power to get through it. The storm is here. The winds are tormenting, the water is deepening, and the waves are crashing like never before. To say my spirit is completely broken is an understatement. But still, I thank You. I thank You, because even though I am a complete mess, You still yearn for me. Still presenting me the honor of being Your servant. I thank You that the one sacrifice You require is a broken spirit. My broken spirit. You don't reject this broken heart of mine, though it rejects You daily. Though I have nothing to offer, You still call me worthy. 

I'm broken. I'm hurting. I'm frustrated, but I'm at peace. Thank you Father.

Psalm 18:30

"God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection."

I have this vision for my life. Full of my dreams, hopes, and desires. And even though God has promised that a lot of those things that I long hope for will come to pass, I still find myself doubting His promises. Why? Because I can't see them just yet.

He brought me to this scripture. He needed to remind me that His way is perfect. No flaws. No lack of quality. As good as it possibly can get. He needed to tell me that His promises are true, because they are always proven. He told me to remember the Promise. He also needed me to trust Him for He is my shield, my armor, my protection.

Revelations 5:5

And one of the elders said to me, “Weep no more; behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has conquered, so that he can open the scroll and its seven seals.”

He is worthy.

Philippians 1:6

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

It's the third day of the new year. I'm pretty sure everyone is working on their new year's resolutions, getting into the new habits that they have set for themselves to achieve. It's still blowing my mind that 2013 has come. 2012 came and went, and it left with an impression that I will never forget. The seasons that God put me in throughout last year has chiseled me into a new creation that even still needs more chiseling to achieve the perfection that God so desires. Perfection hurts. I don't know if it's the fact of knowing that you're not perfect or the process of being perfected that hurts the most. At the end of 2012, I can say that it's both. I was in my prayer closet one day when God revealed to me the season that I was currently in; the season of growth. It wasn't until time passed, that I started to experience the growth that He had revealed to me. God started to chisel at the sins that I held so deep in my soul. So deep, that it was hidden from my sight, my own knowledge. He began to cause situations to happen where my character was challenged, and it showed my true self. 

Pride.

The one sin that every other is built upon. My pride was so engraved in my heart that it started to form layers. Layers of arrogance, envy, and bitterness. In the Bible, there is nothing good that comes from a prideful spirit.

Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.

Proverbs 16:5

For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Galatians 6:3

One thing about pride, which is why it is so dangerous, is that you often don't realize that you have it. I know I didn't. For a long time, I considered a prideful person to be one who was conceited. One who thought of themselves higher and better than all the rest. I was far from that; or so I thought. I soon realized that my pride issue started when I was instructed to do something by someone who was not God, my boss, or a spiritual mentor. I despised that with every part of me. That relates to my hate for being rebuked by someone that wasn't those three I just listed. I had this mindset that no one could tell me what to do or how to act if they did not have any kind of authority over me. Besides, who were they? 

Pride.

It can show through your conversations. Gossip is what reaps from it. Gossip was all through my conversations. I always had a strong opinion about someone and sadly, some of those people were close to me. We all know that scripture that tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue, and my tongue had its share of speaking death over situations.

He is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions,

1 Timothy 6:4

I didn't realize that the gossip, the anger towards rebuke, and the refusal to accept authority, came from my own arrogance. The fact that I couldn't accept being rebuked and authority proved that I thought I didn't need it. The fact that I constantly had a judgment regarding what was going on in other people's lives, showed that I considered myself better than them. It was hard to come to that realization. Why? Because I thought I was okay. I wanted to be that perfect Christian. PRIDE.

When we come to Christ, we have to understand that we are broken people. We are in desperate need of a Savior to heal us and make us new. We are not these perfect individuals, quite frankly we are nothing. That's the first thing that has to happen before Christ can do any kind of work in us. That was what God was showing me through those situations. He had to put me through different challenges to show me my sin. To show me that I am broken. I am nothing compared to Him. I am in desperate need of Him.

I thank Him for that. If He did not chisel pride out of my heart, my relationship with Him, my family/friends, and even myself would have diminished. I pray that you will let Him chisel you. Open up your heart to receive what He is telling you and showing you. Praise Him through the trials and challenges that He puts you in this year. There is something good that is going to come out of it. He wants to make you into His image and that requires a little chiseling. Let Him work.

Going into the new year, I'm still in that season of growth. And honestly, I don't think I'm ever going to get out of it. God is still continuing to work on me, perfecting me into His masterpiece. I'm excited to see what things He has in store for His kingdom this year. I just pray that I'm a part of it. 

Happy New Year!

Joya